Dissatisfaction, Discontent. Holy Discontent.

My heart pounded so hard, so quickly. I wasn't quite expecting what came to me as a great dissatisfaction. I was so filled with discontent, that I couldn't figure if it was Holy Discontent or just, discontentment.

I had no idea it would've pounced on me so suddenly. Truth be told, my heart was a little heavy after sharing what lied in my heart. Strange isn't it? People usually feel the load lifted and a joy springing forth from their hearts when something tugging at their heart is spoken and brought straight out. Instead, I was crying tears of complete and utter dissatisfaction. Not in anger, not in selfishness but in pure discontent.

I fought to swallow what was shared at Cell Night, mainly because I didn't know how. Soon enough, before I knew how or why, the discontent merged and became extreme discontent. It scared me, bad. I struggled pretty hard and I knew I couldn't let it be.

I (secretly) love struggling with myself. Okay, now it is a secret no longer. But I love struggling with God more. Knowing that I'm wrestling with God and refusing to let go, proves and shows how much I don't want to give Him up. Not for the world.

And in view of what my brother blogged recently, it suddenly struck me that..

I don't want to die knowing that I never really lived at all.

Because then I'd remember how hollow and empty my heart felt and how I never left or even tried leaving something (or anything for that matter) for someone, or anyone to remember.

Sometimes, humans simply turn a deaf ear and have absolutely no idea what would or could possibly happen next. And sometimes, they don't really care enough to bother too.

Will things always be alright, just by trying to ignore it or pretending that we never knew?

Because, we know. We know well enough.

But there's always something in us that says we're not obliged to care. And at the end of the day, we give up.

That's what makes us so miserable. (We. give. in.) and ( We. throw. in. the. towel.) We strike it off our to-do-lists - No more, it's done. And that's the end of it. That's all we want to think, that's all we want to know. You think?

Have you given up on who you are, in God? In the same way, you give up on God Himself. Then you wonder what else you have to do with God, with the people you met in church, in cell and with this religion. You sweep it all under the carpet and try to bury it, but there's one thing you can't do. You can't cut ties with God. You may think you can, but truth is, God never lets go. You're running.

We're just like kites. With strings, attached. God holds us, never to let go, loosen His grip or to ever release. But there's one thing that breaks us - Fellow kites. With their own strings, they battle and fight to see which string breaks first. And if you don't fight hard enough or stand firm enough for your own string, you break. You don't hold out. You break, and eventually, you fall. But what you didn't see, was that the One holding onto your string, never for one moment, let go of you.

Can I say this one thing? Although your kite has fallen, been taken, trampled upon, discarded and torn apart, He is still holding on. Are you stuck in guilt, in shame and in sin? That's a pit we'll all struggle to come out of.

I choose to look at the hand of God and hold on with Him. God will take your hand. And with your hand in His, He'll let go of that string, which carries your past, your sin, your inadequacies, your hatred, your baggages, your pride, your unrequited love and all that you want to hold on to.

Then you'll begin walking anew, with God, with a renewed you.

Fellow kites may condemn, spite, despise and judge you. Are you shaken? Does your heart waver? Are you swayed and deceived by them? Think it though and think it through hard. You know where you'd end up. Nowhere else, but the ground. And honestly, we've all fallen before. We've fallen hard.

But I keep running back to my Father. I can't, not hold onto Him. I can't.

On a lighter note, I have taken to photography. I'm not sure if it's temporal but we'll see in time to come. Some were taken recently and some were taken ages ago, but I dug them out, again.











When God shows up, you can do nothing more. Absolutely nothing more, but to let God, be God. I'm saying this because I'll be up in just about 4.

And when you're left helpless, there lies trust, assurance, and hope. There He is.

I trust, because I believe. And I believe, without seeing. I believe with the Faith I hold inside.